Thursday, December 25, 2014

feeble apologies

... nope, apparently i am just a liar, or at least a purveyor of false promises. i did say i was going to post something - right? and at the time, i really thought, really felt as if i was about to; and then - what? it just isn't there, and my thoughts rarely return here at the moment. the proof of this, if any were needed, is the number at the right of the page which shows how few posts i have managed this year (none at all of actual substance). for some reason, things have changed since we moved; and whatever it was in me that kept this going, it seems to have deserted me and shows no signs of coming back.

the year began with such promise, too - i mean in general; but nothing really came of it. that mad rush of posting last december, which led to a slew of unreadable articles, was based around a rather complex insight which had been nagging at me for a while, and which became clearer towards the end of the "yoshithon"; clearer, that is, inasmuch as it seemed clear enough to me at the time; but my psychedelic attempts to render it in words probably didn't give a very good sense of it, and despite my saying that i was going to unpack it all, you can see for yourself that i never did. in any case, the insight in question has not been something i could really implement - at least not yet -  so the need to explicate it has diminished accordingly. basically, the past year has been dominated by a long-running (and still as-yet unresolved) dispute with my regular employer, and although the period before and after the house move (june-august) seemed hugely auspicious at the time, since then the problems at work have spilled over into everything else and have taken up far too much of my time and energy.

it's not unusual for me to have bursts of ideas, then find soon afterwards that all the inspiration has died and that the momentum has gone with it. not unusual..? it's a constant with me. what is different right now is that my ear for the music appears to have deserted me as well. last weekend i had a lot of time to myself - and predictably failed to make use of it; but more to the point, although i played quite a lot of different music, including all four discs of this set, none of it sparked the desire to write; i would not have had anything to write about, since the music came and went without leaving any vivid impressions. i don't know why this is, or how long it will last. what i do know is that the blog's seventh anniversary (which i had intended to celebrate) passed unnoticed back in october, because i had nothing to say. the fact that this is just another example of my starting something and then gradually neglecting it is not much consolation really - this blog was one part of my life where i really did try my best. do i no longer have that in me?

despite all this sombre self-reflection, i am not totally unhappy in my life; the family is well, we have a roof over our heads, my daughter is enjoying her christmas - and even work is bearable at the moment (though it is still likely that i shall have to leave pretty soon and find something else). but the pathetic lack of activity round here, and the deeper directionlessness which is revealed by it, does sometimes keep me awake at night and i felt i had to write about it. that's that really... sorry everybody. here's hoping for a change for the better, in the coming year...

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