It's time to address this, isn't it? - Regular readers may have noticed already that I have slipped into one of my periodic doldrum-phases, in which I just don't seem to be able to write anything (much). Sometimes this is because I have become dispirited or unmotivated - which is not the case here at all; it's not even because I have stopped listening (although I haven't been listening very closely to anything much in the last couple of weeks). The somewhat bathetic nature of the eventual release of the Steve Lehman rep album might seem at least partly responsible for it; I had genuinely looked forward to that, and was left feeling a bit silly for allowing my expectations to be unrealistic. But, really, it's not even got much to do with that.
I have pretty simple needs, at this point in my life: when I'm not working, a fair proportion of my daily life is taken up with domestic commitments, and when not engaged in either of those things, I like to read and listen to music. I also find that I feel better when I am writing about music - assuming there is enough detailed analysis going on behind the scenes to be worth writing about; but the essentials are reading and listening. The trouble is, I don't seem to be able to juggle both very well, or not while doing such a mentally-demanding job. Without wishing to bore you too much, I can unpack that pretty simply: over the last thirty months, with a lot of focus on reviving my blogging activity, my reading has fallen off pretty dramatically. That is a problem for me, since I generally have more books that I want to read than I can actually get through in the available time, so the less time I can spend reading, the worse my "backlog" gets. First World problems? Absolutely; but for someone of my nature, it is nonetheless a problem, since the more backed-up I get, the less contented and more irascible I tend to become, eventually impacting both my own mental efficiency and the people around me. If I drift into a period when I don't really listen to music, I tend to struggle against depression; but the same is true, in a different way, of periods with little or no reading.
For the last couple of years, the intention has been to learn how to do both... I just don't seem to be able to manage that yet. When I'm writing a lot on the blog, it's partly the result of my spending a lot of time thinking about this stuff; when I'm reading a lot, I'm not thinking about music (much). Lately I have been reading more, and so...
The other elephant in the room - and this may be a contributory factor in the state of affairs outlined above, I am not quite sure - concerns the fact that maestro B. is getting older. I mean, obviously we are all getting older - I am pretty well aware of this in my own life - but in B's case it's impossible to avoid thinking about this, for those of us who try to follow his activities: over the last year or so, things keep happening (or not happening) which tend to suggest that his days as a live performer may be coming to an end, if indeed they have not ended already:
- 4th October 2023: during a live concert with Wolf Eyes, B. loses his footing while playing and falls over - though he is sufficiently recovered by Friday 6th to give a solo saxophone recital with no mishaps. (I tentatively took that as a good sign, but...)
- August 2024: leading up to a (long-overdue) performance of B's music at the BBC Proms, in London on the 15th of that month, it gradually becomes clear that although B. himself had originally been due to attend the concert (in his capacity both as conductor and performer), he is not well enough to travel; this is never actually announced, mind, and in the end I'm reliant on a reader to keep me informed (thanks D!). The composer's name was just quietly removed from the programme ahead of time, perhaps at his own request (though more likely just so that people purchasing tickets would not realise the change).
- 8th March 2025: a concert of B's music is presented at the Library of Congress in Washington DC. Once again the composer himself is scheduled to appear - and play - and once again his health does not permit him to do so.
The obvious inference to draw from all this is a gloomy one indeed. There is nothing inherently sinister in the decision by a seventy-nine year-old man not to fly across the Atlantic to participate in a concert, even for something as (notionally) prestigious as the BBC Proms. But deciding not to take part in a tribute being presented in one's own country the following year... well. I don't need to finish that sentence, do I? Of course I wish the maestro the very best and sincerely hope that his health improves, but... not everyone is Marshall Allen. Possibly, the most we could realistically hope for at present is that B. continues to compose... I am really only addressing this now, not just on the blog, but at all. I have simply been avoiding thinking about it for the most part - so, yes, this could very well be a contributing factor in my lack of "blogtivity".
The upshot is, don't expect too much from me in the immediate future. Of course, I may yet find myself suddenly possessed by a burning need to write - I definitely have plenty of unfinished business, to say nothing of other lines of enquiry which haven't (yet) been started - but if I don't, there is no shortage of recent posts for anyone who is interested, and without wishing to blow my own trumpet, most of them would bear a second or third reading (I do tend to cram in quite a lot of detail)...
[Wait... no footnotes?!]
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