at age 44, it strikes me repeatedly that i am effectively mentally ill anyway, because i have become so emotionally unstable after decades of being placed under extreme stress - and have never fully succeeded in finding a route away from all that. there are ways and there are ways (and more latterly ways) of dealing with this, but inherent and/or habitual personal flaws or weaknesses tend to undermine the optimal use of any remedy, sooner or later.
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aaaaaarrrgggghhhhhhhghghghghghghgh fucking hell
...
it's been a weird fucking summer. on the plus side, we have moved house at long last (six years overdue) and the family immediately feels much better as a result. mrs c in particular is just so much happier and nicer to be around. also more tolerant of me, therefore... so it all sounds very positive, except that alas, the negatives are really stacking up at the moment, apparently i still have a lot of unpaid debts which must be cleared or at least addressed before i can straightforwardly enjoy the move. not that i ever really do anything straightforwardly, but...well, you get the idea.
[- incidentally: much to my surprise, i return to the blog tonight for the first time in several months to find plenty of page hits going on. this was certainly not the case the last time i looked. now i really have no idea whether anyone is actually reading, or whether random webcrawlers are just rutting in my undergrowth, so to speak. curiouser and curiouser.]
right then... this one was never going to be a long drawn-out affair. done and dusted
* v. comments
Postscript (2024): this has proven to be a bizarrely "popular" post, i.e. a lot of people have read it, and apparently it still attracts (odd smatterings of) attention. I suppose this needn't be too surprising, given the alarmist nature of the post title... anyway, I never actually was insane, although at the moment I wrote this, it had just genuinely occurred to me that I might be. All I was really experiencing was near-continuous stress and mental turmoil, self-treated with (extremely strong) ganja. Small wonder that my head got a bit mangled. [And yes... as subsequent events would bear out, things were going to get worse before they got better. But they did get better..!]
2 comments:
oops... as i often do, i left the comment for a bit. then i forgot all about it, and indeed about the blog (again) for a day or so. sums it up really doesn't it. five posts in nine months... i never intended (of course) to let things slip to this extent... but they did, and i don't anticipate a major recovery just yet.
what i was going to add was something or other about the various mental health professionals one can find oneself talking to (most of whom are not psychiatrists, whose time is presumably considered too valuable). anyway, they all agree on that one thing apparently.
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hang on hang on... did i seriously use the same photo twice? wow, and not even notice, never mind remember, for days and days afterwards... says it all really doesn't it ;-)
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